Ben Shapiro

Other Known Aliases/Nicknames/Titles:

    •    The Micro Machines Man of Right-Wing Outrage

    •    Captain Facts-and-Feelings-Are-Mutually-Exclusive

    •    Debate Me, Coward™

    •    The Kid Who Snitched on the Teacher for Showing a PBS Documentary

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Species:

Conservative Intellectual (self-identified); subspecies: Fast-Talking Internet Contrarian

Alignment:

Lawful Smug

Origin Story:

Born in 1984 (irony level: Orwellian), Ben skipped two grades and hasn’t stopped bragging about it since. Raised in L.A. but spiritually born in a libertarian subreddit. Attended UCLA and Harvard Law, which is surprising until you realize white privilege and smugness make a great college admissions essay.

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Primary Powers:

    •    Rapid-Fire Rhetoric: Speaks so fast he hopes your brain won’t catch the logical fallacies.

    •    Weaponized Pedantry: Will derail any conversation to win a single technicality.

    •    Selective Outrage Vision: Sees cancel culture everywhere — except when it’s conservatives doing the canceling.

    •    Woke Detector: Malfunctions daily. Picks up false positives from Muppets, inclusive cereal boxes, and Mr. Rogers.

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Weaknesses:

    •    Wet-ass metaphors

    •    Empathy

    •    Cardi B

    •    Slow, thoughtful conversation

    •    Any follow-up question that starts with “but what about systemic…”

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Catchphrases:

    •    “Facts don’t care about your feelings” (Translation: "I’m about to be a jerk and pretend it takes balls.")

    •    “Debate me!” (Translation: Please validate me. PLEASE.)

    •    “It’s a slippery slope” (Translation: "I have no argument, but I’ll say gay marriage leads to marrying turtles.")

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Notable Feats:

    •    Tried to own WAP and got medically owned back.

    •    Founded The Daily Wire, where right-wing rage meets a Ring light and a Shopify account.

    •    Managed to become the “cool intellectual” to a demographic that thinks turning off empathy is a personality.

    •    Authored seven books, all of which sound like rejected Alex Jones screenplays with better punctuation.

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Signature Move:

Straw Man Slam — Constructs a fake version of a liberal argument, demolishes it, then declares victory to a comment section of teens named Kyle.

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Fan Base:

    •    Men who say “female” as a noun

    •    YouTubers with Greek statue profile pics

    •    Your cousin who thinks socialism is when Netflix charges more

    •    Elon Musk, but only on Tuesdays

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Nemeses:

    •    Trans people

    •    Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

    •    Climate scientists

    •    Women who are louder than him

    •    Anyone who speaks slower than 200 words per minute with a coherent point

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Series Arc:

Started as Breitbart’s boy wonder, broke up with Bannon in a stunning act of minimum decency, and rebranded as the “reasonable conservative” — which mostly just means he’ll cite actual sources before twisting them into nonsense. He now lives in the Daily Wire cinematic universe, where every problem is woke and every solution is louder capitalism.

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Trivia:

    •    Thinks moral decay started with Sesame Street.

    •    Believes college campuses are leftist war zones but was never invited to a party.

    •    Probably says “I actually enjoy debate” to his wife during arguments about leaving dishes in the sink.”